Homesickness Comes in Waves

Who knew?

Certainly not me, who had never been more than hour from where I had grown up and all my friends and all my...EVERYTHING.

I live in a beautiful place.  Within 15 minutes, I could be in the mountains of one of the most scenic places in the country. And since it's a college town and the city center is a mere 4 miles from where I am at any given moment, there is a ton to do here.  And I have been working VERY HARD to take advantage of it all.  I've toured the homes of two past Presidents;  I've been to music and dance events at the University.  Downtown,  I've visited the Saturday market and had dinner on the pedestrian mall several times.  I've seen the official Christmas tree and the local gingerbread house competition.

But it's not home yet.

A wise friend, who has moved several times, told me it takes a year to feel really settled in a new place.  I'm holding on to that and believing.  Some days, it's easier to do that than others - when I speak to someone about a cool volunteer opportunity or attend a church that feels right or have dinner and laughs out with a coworker.  Those days, it feels good and right to be here.

Then there are the other times.  And often, they catch me off-guard.  (And if you know me at all, you know I don't AT ALL like to be caught off-guard!)  I knew I'd miss home and all the comfort that comes with it;  what I didn't know was that there is sometimes an almost visceral ache to homesickness.  Today is one of those days.

But I'm holding on to my faith, the wisdom of my trusted friend and the lyrics of a song that has become almost an anthem for me here, "Home" by Phillip Phillips:

Hold on, to me as we go
As we roll down this unfamiliar road
And although this wave is stringing us along
Just know you are not alone
Cause I'm going to make this place your home

Settle down, it'll all be clear
Don't pay no mind to the demons
They fill you with fear
The trouble it might drag you down
If you get lost, you can always be found

Settling

It's hard to believe that I have been here for a month already.  In some ways, so much has happened and yet, at the same time, it feels like so little.  But isn't that how life is?

I'll be honest.  I am trying to stay positive and make sure to keep an optimistic outlook but this week was hard.  For some reason, I was hit with a deep homesickness.  In the past three weeks, some of my closest friends have faced (and are facing) some really serious challenges in their lives.  And if you know me in real life, you know that it's really important to me to be there and to help in whatever way I can.  But that is hard to do from a distance, though I'm doing my best.

I joined a women's Bible study from one of the churches I've visited and we're studying the book of Nehemiah.  For those of you who haven't a clue who Nehemiah was or need a refresher, here's the gist:  Nehemiah worked for the king and had a pretty sweet gig.  But then some family and friends came to see him and told him things were very bad in his hometown of Jerusalem, and his people were struggling.  His heart was broken to hear this and he decided that he had to take action.  He went to the king, who was not favorable toward Jerusalem, and told him what he wanted to do and asked for his help.  Because of their relationship, the king let him go and said he could have the assistance he requested.  So Nehemiah goes home to help rebuild the wall around Jerusalem...and the lives of those he cares about.

My point in telling you this is two-fold.  First, the point of the study is to find out what breaks our hearts and then to take some kind of action, just as Nehemiah did.  I know that my heart breaks for students...and I started to write, "especially those who are struggling", but really, aren't most?  It is so difficult to grow up in today's world...but that is a post for another time.  (And for the record, there are MANY things that break my heart but that is the area in which I feel most passionate.)

Second, last night in our group, one of the questions is what needs to be rebuilt in your life.  I almost laughed out loud.  My WHOLE life is being rebuilt.  And I know intellectually that it will be hard for a while and it won't happen overnight.  But dear goodness, it would be nice if it would speed up a bit!  All I can do is just keep putting myself out there, doing things, trying things, and taking opportunities to meet people.  It would be so easy to settle:   keep to myself, read books, do my thing, and look forward to opportunities to go "home"...but that's not why I'm here.

Stay tuned.

Leap Year

I would never have guessed at the beginning of this year that I would take a leap of faith, leaving my friends, family and home state beyond to embark on a new adventure.  But that is exactly where I've been led.

Just over two weeks ago, I packed up and moved south to Virginia, about five hours from where I grew up and where I've lived for the past 20+ years.  I took a new job at a university, something I was and am very excited about.  It's in a great town with a lot to do.  And frankly, so far, the change hasn't been too earth-shattering.  My new place is literally (and I do mean that literally) about 15 minutes from everything I need, including work.  (The difference in not making a two hour commute each day is stunning. I still haven't quite grasped this concept.)

Everyone's been so nice and helpful from work, even down to one putting me in touch with the couple who ultimately became my landlords.  But I'm eager to make some friends and start building myself a life here.  I've had moments where I read a text or a Facebook post and think, "Oh, I want to go with you!" only to realize that I'd have to drive five hours to go to a movie with my friends or out to a fest.  I had a long day of work on Friday and a few hours on Saturday;  on Sunday, I declared it Fun Day and endeavored to find myself some fun.  I went shopping (never fun for me) and then decided to go see Pitch Perfect.  While there was a tiny bit of anxiety in going to the movies alone, once I got there and staked out a seat in the back (which, by the way, was behind another woman by herself), I decided to make it a me date and even bought myself some popcorn.  In the end, I was glad I went.

And I guess that's what this adventure is all about - stepping out, trying new things, seeing what's in store.  Stay tuned....

A Mixed Bag

Yesterday, I met some friends at a cupcake joint in the next town over. The cupcakes were not all we had hoped and we had some time, so they took me to a nearby candy shop to peruse.

Oh my.

The possibilities were endless, and you could mix and match all different flavors in a crisp, white bag.

Right now, my life is feeling a bit like that. A little bit sweet, a little bit sour with some unknowns thrown in for good measure. For the first time in my life, I'm moving away from all I've known and loved (and, thankfully, some things that I have not loved) for a job in another state. Some moments, I'm so excited by the prospect I can't wait; others, I feel like I've had the wind knocked out of me at the thought.

But like my candy shop experience yesterday, I'm taking this mixed bag for what it's worth - and trying new things along the way. Stay tuned!

Kickin' It Old School, Olympic Style

I've read some negative reviews of NBC's coverage of the Olympics this week.  The majority focused on the coverage being in the evenings, hours after the events have concluded (and the Olympians are safely tucked in their beds...or living it up, as the case may be!)  Basically, the gist is that NBC needs to get with the times and show everything in real time, as social media is achieving.

A coworker tried to justify it to me, saying it was still fun to watch even if you knew the outcome but I disagree.  I can be convinced that I am watching it live - I am a master at suspending disbelief (which sometimes serves me; sometimes not...but that is another issue entirely.)  My interest and excitement level are just not the same when I already know who won. In fact, I unfollowed one of my favorite ABC news anchors because he was posting results in live time.  I turn away from my phone when it flashes CNN "breaking news" stories.  I literally sat in a conference room today saying, "Lalalalalalalalalalalalala" while coworkers discussed the outcome of the swimming.

It works for me.

And now I'm about to watch Michael Phelps in the men's 200 fly.  Shhhhhhhh!

I Believe...

...every day is a good day when you create.

I'm not a painter but I do fancy myself a writer.  I've spent too much time worrying about the direction of this blog, who reads it, who might read it and what you'll think.  But really, it's not about you.  It's about me and giving myself an opportunity to write and create.

And so we begin anew.

Fireworks

I live in a small town. I grew up in a very small town but this is different; there, the small was spread out so there wasn't much continuity of town, if that makes an ounce of sense. Here, it is truly a town, with all the usual townishness and only a couple stop lights.

This weekend each year, the fair comes to town. And this is A Big Deal. It may sound like I'm being sarcastic or joking around but it really is. It's the only thing that really happens to bring the community together all year.

While I've never gone to the fair itself, I make it a point to never miss the Friday night fireworks. To me, since I've lived here, the fireworks signify the true start of summer.

For a few years when I first moved here, I'd have friends over. We'd grill and then sit in my driveway and watch the fireworks.

Then one year, the trees grew.

The past couple years, I've traveled closer to the fair with friends to watch. The location changed; the friends changed.

The trees kept growing.

I have been feeling out of sorts lately; I have shied away from the blog because I wasn't happy with the direction I felt it was going. But really, there is probably more to it than that. As I chose my word for the year (or perhaps it chose me), I felt as though the universe would open and all would be revealed. Instead, my search for purpose seems derailed or maybe just switched to another track.

Or maybe I just can't see the fireworks for the trees right now.

Do Something

Yeah, I know it's long.  I know you are going about your day, dealing with your own problems.  But honestly, do you want to look back on your life and say you couldn't take 30 minutes out to be a part of something that could help change the world for the better?  Watch this now.  Share it on Facebook, on Twitter, on any other social media outlet you use.  And ask your friends to do the same.

Hold Your Hands Up High

This new year has been challenging for so many people in my life.  It's hard to believe we are but a month in;  with the gravity of some of the situations, it feels as though we have already lived the whole year through.

All of this has me thinking about the story in Exodus about Aaron and Hur coming to the aid of Moses.  The Israelites were fighting the Amalekites and as long as Moses held the staff of God up, they were winning the battle. But as soon as he lowered them, they would start to lose.

Have you ever had to hold your hands up for any length of time?  Think of hanging a shower curtain...your arms get tired.  They're not used to being held in that position for very long.  You may have to stop for a minute before reaching back up.  But holding his hands up was the only way for Moses to protect his friends, his family, his people...and when he got tired, when his arms lowered, they were at great risk and headed for certain defeat.

Moses' brother, Aaron, and his friend, Hur,  saw what was happening and pulled over a large stone for him to sit on.  Then each one took a side "so that his hands remained steady until sunset." And the Israelites won the battle.

Whose arms do you need to hold up today?

Or maybe you are like Moses, trying to win a hard battle.  Who is your Aaron?  Your Hur?

On Being Real

If I could have a super power, it would be to live without sleep.

I'm without sleep anyway but it's the living part I'm unsure of.  I've come here to write and have started several posts, only to shelve them all.  A voice in my head keeps saying,"What's the blog about anyway?" and I've lost the strength to say that it is about anything and nothing and so much more all at once.

I was awoken the other night by a howling, hissing, growling cat who clearly wanted to kill the other cats in the house.  We spent a long night of this and I whisked her off to the vet in the morning. She ended up with an overnight stay so they could figure out what her deal was but nothing could be found.  She returned home and peace was restored to the land...until this evening, when it began again.  Only this time, all I could think was, "I feel ya, sister."  Because I want to howl and hiss and growl at the world.  And sometimes that's just the way it is.

When I first started working in youth ministry, I wanted to show the kids that you could juggle work and life and all the in-between stuff.  But as we went along, I realized it was more important to show them I was real. That sometimes I got tired or depressed or just plain discouraged.  Sometimes I said things I shouldn't of and sometimes I made decisions that were straight up bad.  Because, seriously, who doesn't?  I am by no means perfect...and I'll prove that to you again and again and again.  And there is purpose in that, by design.  It's interesting how this word I have chosen for this year keeps coming to mind and showing up when I least expect it.  But truly, what is the purpose in pretending?  There is more to being real.


"What is REAL?" asked the Rabbit on day, when they were lying side by side near the nursery fender before Nana came in to tidy the room.  "Does it mean having things that buzz inside you an a stick-out handle?


"Real isn't how you are made," said the Skin Horse.  "It's a thing that happens to you.  When a child loves you for a long, long time, not just to play with, but REALLY loves you, then you become Real."


"Does it hurt?" asked the Rabbit.


"Sometimes," said the Skin Horse, for he was always truthful.  "When you are Real you don't mind being hurt."


"Does it happen all at once, like being wound up," he asked, "or bit by bit?"


"It doesn't happen all at once," said the Skin Horse.  "You become.  It takes a long time.  That's why it doesn't happen often to people who break easily, or have sharp edges, or who have to be carefully kept.  Generally, by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out and you get loose in the joints and very shabby.  But these things don't matter at all, because once you are Real you can't be ugly, except to people who don't understand."


-From The Velveteen Rabbit by Margery Williams

Beautiful Things

I came home from youth group this rainy night, took a hot shower and got immediately into bed.  But since then, I've been lying here listening to Gungor's "Beautiful Things" over and over.

The melody of the song drew me in but then I really started to listen to the lyrics:

All this pain,
I wonder if I'll ever find my way.
I wonder if life could ever really change, at all.
All this earth,
Could all that is lost ever be found?
Could a garden come up from this ground, at all?

The song really speaks to the struggles of so many in my life right now.  When you are in the midst, it is hard to see that any good can arise out of the struggle, the muck, the mire. You wonder what you could have done differently.  You wonder why this is happening.  And most of all, you wonder how you can ever make it through.

But the song goes on:

You make beautiful things,
You make beautiful things out of the dust.
You make beautiful things,
You make beautiful things out of us.

There is hope - for peace, for healing, for wholeness, for redemption.  And I'll hold on to that hope for my friends when they can't because I've seen it in my own life and in the lives of others, even when I was sure no good could come from the terrible - beautiful things, rising from the dust.

Is There No Balm in Gilead?

I never say "my word" in this context - but my word y'all, things have been crazy up in here over the past few days.  I was reminded time and time again of the adage, "Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle."

Abuse.
Cancer.
Losing a loved one.
Mistrust.
Unforgiveness.
Addiction.
Shame.
Uncertainty.
Fear.

The list of what those in my life are struggling with today could go on and on.

I wish I had some profound insight here.  I've gone back and forth, wrestling through my word for this year;  it's interesting to me how already pervaded my life.  I wonder what the larger purpose in these situations is but moreover, what my purpose is in them.  In some, it is clear;  in others, there may not be any at all in the end. I just don't know.

I started today by praying for my friends who are fighting hard battles; I'll end it the same way.

The Purpose of Purpose

When I chose my word for this year, my mind took it in many directions:

What is my purpose in life?
What is my significance?
What will be my legacy?
What should I do "on purpose"?
How can I be more intentional?
What is the purpose in my friend and youth pastor leaving our church?
In a troubling medical test result?
In a friend battling cancer?
In any number of trials faced?

Lately, too, when I am thinking on a word or a concept, I look for quotes to further my ponderings.  I've always been fond of quotes (of the written word overall, really) and how they are phrased, what larger meaning they have, and how they resonate.  I looked over a few this evening with regard to my word and found this one to be the most relevant:

This is the true joy in life, the being used for a purpose recognized by yourself as a mighty one; the being thoroughly worn out before you are thrown on the scrap heap; the being a force of nature instead of a feverish selfish little clod of ailments and grievances complaining that the world will not devote itself to making you happy.  ~George Bernard Shaw

I'm so eager to see where this year takes me;  a little anxious, too, in some ways, about examining my life in this way.  But didn't Socrates say an unexamined life wasn't worth living?

Just One Word. What's Yours?

Those who know me well know that I am a voracious reader.  I love to curl up with a book and read the day (or evening) away.  My taste varies;  I'm often reading a non-fiction book in tandem with fiction.  I will often find myself in a season of what I refer to as "light" reading, especially if I've just finished something that took a great deal of energy and emotional investment, as I am prone to getting very involved in a good book.

Debbie Macomber is one of my go to authors for lighter fare - positive stories with happy endings and characters you can relate to.  Recently, I read her book, Thursdays at Eight, which tells the story of four friends who meet for coffee every week and share their lives.  The premise of the book is that they all start the new year by choosing a word to help them focus on their personal goals for the new year.  (Interestingly, she also has a book coming out tomorrow on this same topic - which should be arriving on my Kindle shortly!)

What a great idea...and yet challenging at the same time.  How can you find one word that sums up all the hopes and dreams you want to strive for in the new year?  I challenged a friend of mine to do this with me and then promptly forgot about it until she wrote me back today.  I've been pondering it on and off since.  In a way, it is similar to making a resolution or setting any goal, but I think it needs to be broader as well, which led me to thinking about what my goals really are for this year.  (Interestingly, I just started a daily Rick Warren devotional that has me thinking about that as well.  The context there is even broader, however - thinking about the next decade and what you would like to see happen in your life in that time.  The next decade?  Sometimes it is hard enough to think through until Friday!)

Anyway, I have several areas I would like to focus on for this year.  Rather than list them all here now, I'll simply pledge to talk about them here when the time is right and instead provide my word for 2012:  Purpose.

What's your word for 2012?

And So It Begins Anew...

Happy new year!

What better way to kick of 2012 than with a new adventure in the blogosphere?  I've been wanting to resurrect my blog for some time now but for various reasons, I decided to start fresh.  After making that decision a few months ago and setting up this site, I was stuck in a period of complete analysis paralysis:  what should I blog about?  Should I talk about my faith?  Youth ministry?  Books?  Online dating?  My life story? Or simply chronicle my adventures?  Or use it as a forum to do some "creative" writing?  And then: who will read my blog?  WILL anyone read my blog?  Who do I WANT to read my blog?  And why?

I'm not kidding, y'all.  I've been completely stymied by all of this.

But as I reflected back on last year this evening, I realized something.  None of that really matters.  Maybe no one will read this or maybe only my nearest and dearest will read it.  Or maybe it will take the world by storm, it'll be turned into a bestselling book and you'll see me chatting it up with Robin Roberts on GMA one of these days.  The point of the matter is that I want to be writing and I feel like this is a good forum in which to begin.

So to that end, I am going to go against every shred of advice I've gleaned in the past year from several wildly popular bloggers, let my blog take on a life of it's own and see where it all leads.  I hope you'll come along for the ride!